How Do You Feel?
by LukeAndLorelai Brucas Fan
Summary: TV BASED. Looks like L's got a few decisions to make when S discovers a few of her secrets. What will she decide? How will it effect her daughter and Mr. Lonely Boy? Set before Blair Walforf Must Pie!


Serena van der Woodsen sat on her mother's bed, staring at the closed doors of Lily's closet For years she had wanted to be like the other irls and dress up in mommy's shoes and pearls while spraying her perfume all around the room. But Lly hadn't allowed it. She never even permitted her husband of twelve years to open those doors.  
"What could she possibly be hiding?" Serena had asked her brother Eric one day as they lay on their parents king sixe bed, gazeing at the doors.  
"Maybe she killed someone and she's hiding the evidence in there. Or she could be a super hero and keeps her costumes in there." He'd been eight at the time.  
But they were older now. Moe mature.  
;She shouldn't be keeping things from us'  
Serena climbed off the bed and moved to the double doors concealing her mothers past.  
They were locked.  
"Unbeleivble." Even in a hotel suite Lily was able to obscure sections of her life.  
She began searchin drawers, now completly obsessed wit figuring out what was inside.  
Finally, discovering a key stashed in the medicine cabinet in Lily's bathroom, Serena returned to the doors and succesfully opened them, revealing... A record collection and a leather jacket.  
Serena dropped to her knees as she read the names of the bands.  
The Rolling Stones. The Who. Credence Clearwater Revival.  
She'd heard of them, knew they were popular when her mom was young, but had no idea that she had been into rock music.  
On closer inspecton she also found a pair of big black combat boots and a small stack of c.d's right in the back, next to a box of photo's. An old camera sitting on top.  
"Lincoln Hawk, isn't that...?" Serena flipped the c.d case over in her hands.  
One of the songs was called "Rosewood" which reminded her of a horse her mother used to have on the family ranch in California.  
She opened the case and looked at a picture of the band, their names written underneath. Rufus Humphrey - lead vocals/ guitar/ song writer.  
"Oh my God." she looked at the picture again and sure enough it was Dan's father.  
She looked through the rest of the cd's and they were all Lincoln Hawk.  
Removing the camera from tje box she lifted out some photo's.  
Rufus on stage. Old buildings. Rufus back stage. Horses. Sunsets. Rufus.  
"What do you think you're doing"  
Srena turned quickly, the photo's still in her hands. "Mom, I"  
"That's my private property. How dare you"  
"Do you love him"  
"What?" Lily crossed the room and snatched the photo's away. She reached for the box, but as she lifted it, the bottom fell out, spilling pictures, ticket stubs, costers, all over the floor.  
"Do you still love Rufus?" Serena demandedas her mother scooped up her things.  
"He and I were over a long time ago"  
"That's not what I asked." Serena stood defiantly before her mother "This is none of your business Srena. I want you to leave this room and forget what you saw"  
"How can I do that? You've had this whole life I knew nothing about with my boyfriends father. And you want me to forget it? No way"  
"Dan doesn't need to know about this. Neither do your brother or Jenny"  
"Answer my question and I won't say a word"  
Lily closed her eyes tightly. For the first time in her life Serena saw her mother as small.  
"I can't do that"  
Those four words were all Serena needed. She had her answer.  
"I have to get out of here"  
"Serena"  
"I don't want to talk to you." She ran from the suite, leaving Lily among the remnains of a life long left behind.  
Lily fell to her knees in the space her daughter had just been. She re-assembled the box and carefully replaced the items that had fallen out.  
She picked up one cd and put it in the player. As Rufus' voice filled the room, singing a song about her she began to sort through her past.  
It had been months since she had done this, seen these things and before that it had been over four years.  
She pulled out a pair of faded old jeans with a whole in the left knee. Slippig them on underneath her skirt she then discarded Calvin Klien on the floor.  
She released her hair from the chignon and pulled a Guns 'n' Roses t-shir over her head before stepping into the boots.  
Dressed like this, Lily felt so free. With her blonde hair falling around her shoulders, she could almost ignore the fine lines around her eyes and pretend she was nineteen again and going out for the night with her rock star boyfriend.  
Almost.  
She picked up her camera and walked out of her room.  
Ignoring the odd looks she received from hotel staff and fellow customers she made her way out to the street.  
She hadn't taken a photo in... God, it had ben too long.  
She decided to walk, not really sure whether she was headed.  
Finding herself on top of the Empire State building a little while later, Lily lifted her camera to her eye and searched her surroundings for the perfect shot. Gazing out at the city below Lily began to photograph seemingly random things to the untrained eye they were just sky scrapers, cabs, tiny dots going about their lives. But to Lily they were small parts of a much bigger, beautiful picture.  
This was what she needed.  
Serena's quesion continued to ring in her head as she snappedaway at the world she fell in love with as a young woman.  
Did she love Rufus Humphrey?  
After all this time, all the years they'd spent apart, did she still have those feelings? They had both moved on, married other people, had children. Now Lily couldn't be sure.  
What she'd said had been true. They had ended their relationship years ago.  
Or, rather, she had.  
But nonetheless her mother had made the command and then they were over. It was quick but by no means was it at all painless.  
Now their children were attending the same schools. Serena and Jenny at Constance Billard and Dan at St Jude's , the school Eric went to before 'injuring' himself and having to be sent to the Oestroff centre.  
Lowering her camera Lily let her naked eye roam out over the smoggy New York sky.  
Her parents hated the city. They rarely came to visit which suited Lily fine. She had never forgiven CeCe for what she'd made her do.  
But ever since her first trip out from California when she was fifteen, Lily had loved it. Luckily she had an aunt - her favourite reletive - living in Manhatten, giving her a reason to visitduring every break from school after that point.  
Lily was especially attracted to the music. Artists just starting out would busk on street corners, the lucky ones got booked to do a show in the small clubs. She loved to go and listen to their original songs.  
Over the summer before her senior year, she met HIM. And she knew life would never be the same again.  
She returned to the little club in which Lincoln Hawk was developing a steady fan base, night after night. The fourth night he noticed her.  
After the show he came off stage and asked if she was enjoying the music or if she'd like to hear some new material?  
She twisted a peice of hair around her finger, nervously as they talked for a few minutes before she announced she had to be getting back.  
He asked her if she'd be coming back and she smiled. "Maybe." she left then, and returned every night afterward, and spending more and more time with Rufus.  
As the summer continued they met outside the club, and by the time Lily returned home they had become inseperable.  
The three thousand miles seperating them only seemed to intensify their feelings and Lily decided to apply at NYU to be closer to Rufus.  
Her mother didn't beleive she needed to go to college. She wanted her to marry rich and continue to live a sheltered life. But Lily hadn't wanted that. She had dreams and she didn't want to just sit around planning parties and benefits.  
CeCe allowed the relationship to progress for two years. Then she butted in and brought it to an end.  
Lily had forced herself to move on, realising that she couldn't go back.  
It was impossible.  
And now she stood on top of the Empire State building, photographing the world below.  
Did she love Rufus?  
Fingering the soft material of her old G'n'R shirt she closed her eyes, trying to make the decision for once.  
Was she still in love with Rufus?  
No.  
Not still in love with him. But she would always love him. Or at least love the memory of what they had.  
She smiled. Finally, she knew how she felt.  
Serena would probably not want to talk to her for awhile, but, she would calm down eventually and then things would return to normal.  
The clothes and c.d.'s would go into storage now. Not just the back of the closet, but into an actual storage space. She was going to put it all behind her.  
They were over, and that was the way it would stay.  
Lily smiled as she put her camera back in its case, before turning and leaving the building.  
She had her secrets and she was going to keep them locked away. That was the best thing for everyone. 


End file.
